fighting the war against blowing it

more pow wow photos

parker in palm springs

night of the 4th

ended the night with three boxes of cereal, 3 gossip mags and 3 packs of cigarettes.

Sometimes I don’t know where this dirty road is taking me
Sometimes I can’t even see the reason why
I guess I keep on gamblin’, lots of booze and lots of ramblin’
It’s easier than just a-waitin’ ’round to die

im hung over and dont want to write anything.

poolside bros

spankys house bros

people’s revolution nylon party bros (i do freelance for people’s in la)

rebecca and winston bros

mom gardening bro!!

isnt she lovely?

DONT BUZZ RIP MY BONG KILL

the last couple weeks ive been really happy. decided theres no reason for me to feel otherwise. life is too short. im blessed beyond belief and i should act accordingly. therefore i have been trying to make this summer full of adventures. i realize i have about 5 more years of being able to be free, so im taking advantage. inspiration overload is the new mantra.

i got stolen a last weekend by chase and cassia. they told me to pack a bag and picked my ass up to go to palm springs for the 4th.

we took a detour, which ended up being the best thing thats ever happened considering we ended up finding a god damn POW WOW. it was so incredible. there was a flea market surrounding the grounds. HEAVEN.

apparently they skate cuz the “full blood warriors” were selling boards. they also have bike gang called the “rez riders”. i have a shit ton more photos i need to get developed when i get some money.

chase was dying. she has a line called “little doe” consisting of feather head pieces and crystal jewelry. and considering she studied native american poetry for four years she knew the ins and outs. her little heart was very at home.

cassia sang bieber in the back seat.

then we arrived at the parker in palm springs – the most beautiful hotel ive ever been to. all expenses paid. thank god, otherwise i would have no been able to go.

turquoise for days

ran into my best friend of 10 years kate and her boyfriend. fantastic surprise.

we ate a lot.

and ate some more, 3 boxes of cereal, 3 bags of chips, 3 copies of j-14 and 3 packs of cigarettes.

yea i have beiber fever. so?

this was for sale for $2000 bucks.

last week i saw danzig, the next morning this was the hang over brunch.

my new boyfriend

guitar pool in malibu

me very happy on the beach at the spot ive been going to since i was 14

lizard poolside gear

last night we roasted marshmallows and made smores with strawberries while watching pirate radio at chases laurel canyon cabin.

back to work….hope everyone had a good fourth!

keep on listening to the music. its good for you.

ohh summer time. when i was in new york finding a body of water was so difficult. that was honestly one of the hardest adjustments for me. taking the train in million degree humidity was a minor nightmare. it feels and smells like your in a jock strap. now that im back in la there are pools everywhere and the beach is just a short drive away.

i had a fantastic time when i went back to city. the best part was i didnt miss living there like i expected. i was prepared for an emotional downpour and it never came. actually…i think moving away was the best thing i ever did socially. everyone was just as happy to see me as i was to see them. the city is so small socially so its easy for human interaction to reach overkill levels. last week i amicably spilt with my office job, so now that im back to major free lance hustle status ill be able to grab jobs in the city and move forward with my dream of being bicoastal.

being back on the grind of finding projects and trying to make money however i can and as fast as i can is scary and so invigorating. i loved working at the agency so much, but it became clear that sitting in an office is not for me. being stressed, creative and on my grind just feels right. i feel like an ass complaining because i should be thankful just having a job, but i refuse to believe that i cant make money and a career doing what i love. just gotta stick with the passion. now in between the projects im working on i can finally take the clothing line ive been dreaming up for a couple years and make it a reality. ive also been doing freelance for peoples revolution out here which has been beyond incredible.

one thing i also realized is that i was naive to think it was impossible for me to get work doing freelance in la. in fact, while there are amazing beautiful things happening in ny, i drink my ass off there. honestly, if i had been in ny and stopped having to go to work everyday i would have been out drinking for a week before i took and shower and made a phone call. it just so easy for me to get into trouble. what could be a simple walk to the deli in could end up a night out until 4. i dont have that option here. i spend a lot of time alone and i really dont mind it. i get pretty lonely sometimes, but right now i need to focus on work. ill have time to chill later when i find a dude and start making babies.

here are some inspiring summer photos of the brooooos

these are from new york. i will write more later. thaaaaaaanks.

im going to new york on thursday night. i havent been in three months, which is the longest ive been away from the city in 5 years – 5 of the slowest/longest years of my brief stint as human on this earth. i still cant believe im not in high school anymore. i still cant believe i have a drivers license and can go where i please. i especially still cant believe i live without my parents and can eat ice cream when i wake up and have boys in my room without having to leave the door open. so how I got to where I am now is like a blurry mess.

i was miserable when i first moved to ny. i knew no one other than my first ever boyfriend and had no idea what to do with myself. i was heartbroken leaving my family and friends. i wasnt one of those people that moved there with 10 friends as a security blanket. to top it off i was such a good girl at that time of my life. not in a naive way, rather i just spent a lot of my time as a senior in high school drinking wine at home on the weekends, reading and working out. the whole aspect of partying didnt interest me – in fact, the more i watched my peers get wasted and make fools of themselves the more of a recluse I became. well…all it took was my first heartbreak to throw everything i had worked so hard for previously out the door. i spent most my life thinking carefully about certain things – making sure to maintain a proper reputation. once i was on my own i began to hate how much i cared about what others thought of me – i resented where and how i was raised for making me that way. whatever, everyone knows what im talking about and has been through it at some point, blah blah blah, i rebelled, blah blah, boring same ol story.

my point is, i kinda feel like i lived at least 8 years worth of life in the last 5 in terms of experience and personal growth. and now i sit here in my  apartment in hollywood, where i live alone as a single, financially independent human with a 9 to 6 job, i am mind blown and totally flabbergasted as to how i got here. im literally just going through the motions. sometimes im concerned that im not a bit more emotional about certain things, or that i let things go too easily because i dont want to suppress feelings, but at the same time i dont care about what people who dont matter think of me, and i no longer care about people who do not matter.

yea, you know, on a day to day basis i would rather be in new york. id rather wake up there and have my routine back of getting coffee at 9^th street, lunch at mogador, sitting in tompkins and going to the fish. because every day there is spent with random, beautiful, special weird people that i just absolutely adore. but in that lies the problem. personally for me, new york is never never land. staying there now i wouldnt have grown up because those days are so good i didn’t ever want to do anything else. and ironically enough, while i was able live freely in new york for a while without a care, its a very small place with very small communities.  its takes .5 seconds for everyone to know every mistake you’ve made. the place i learned to not care suddenly felt like the place people were concerned the most. people in la, and i never thought i would say this, mind their business a bit more. it takes effort to see people here, it takes effort to maintain relationships. i could easily go to work and come home for a solid week and not see or talk to anyone. in ny i walk to the corner to get cigarettes and see 35 people i know.

the first time i came home to la after moving to ny i felt different. i felt like i had changed so much in such a short period of time. and now the same thing has happened on the opposite coast. when it comes to appreciating family, handling business, my love life and taking care of myself, and ive done a  complete 180. im happy ive made those changes. a major point i realized was that when u experience true love, whether its with family, a friend or a significant other, what you want out of your existence becomes clear. whats important in life – what it means to ME to be a human being on this earth – doesnt have anything to do with me partying and trying to be cool. i moved here to make my life into the best one possible, and this path was the one i needed to take right now. how im going to feel after a weekend in my favorite city i dont know. but hopefully it will be reassuring that what im doing right now is right. in order for me to ensure new york is good for me i need to be good within myself – i need to mend my heart and screw my head on tight – that way new york will be a whole different city for me, not one thats only conducive for self-destruction.  if i dont blow it again that is. just tryin to figure out what this whole “being alive” thing means.

this photos are random

aron at cha cha

the hills. these people sit there and pretend to be oblivious to the 8 million cameras around them. shocking shockers.

the back room of the old saved tattoo

shelly. shes fantastic.

vander working on his bike

roky

peaches

at a group dinner last week i ordered a car bomb. alone. surrounded by sober people. im a uni-bomber.

camille and lindsey. these chanel clogs were made for walking…barely…

my idol. ive been doing free lance for peoples rev out here at random events. robyn, emily and kelly are ALPHA FEMALES.

health

i still listen to home and 40 day dream night before i go to sleep. i love edward sharp.

one day my name will be on some sorry dudes body

my favorite arab parrot.

camille

aron and my fav mikey bones

11th bar irish jam sesh

a reason to love la: this is how i spend most my saturdays. i fell asleep on that thing for 2 hours a couple weeks ago.

whit playing dress up with my weird gear in the new crib. sequin bra? no problem

a virgin named wade

crying to “starry eyes”

party time excellent

MILLER MY SWEET SWEET BOY

“What is a saint? A saint is someone who has achieved a remote human possibility. It is impossible to say what that possibility is. I think that it has something to do with the energy of love. Contact with this energy results in the exercise of a kind of balance in the chaos of existence. A saint does not dissolve the chaos; if he did the world would have changed long ago. I do not think that a saint dissolves the chaos even for himself, for there is something arrogant and warlike in the notion of a man setting the universe in order. It is a kind of balance that is his glory. He rides the drifts like an escaped ski. His course is the caress of the hill. His track is a drawing of the snow in a moment of its particular arrangement with wind and rock.

“Something in him so loves the world that he gives himself to the laws of gravity and chance. Far from flying with angels, he traces with the fidelity of a seismograph needle the state of the solid bloody landscape. His house is dangerous and finite, but he is at home in the world. He can love the shape of human beings, the fine and twisted shapes of the heart. It is good to have among us such men, such balancing monsters of love.”

Leonard Cohen, 1966

-thanks ted

this darling girl just sent me an email with this image. it’s a dry point etch that she scratched onto a piece of perspex and rubbed ink into the surfaces that have been scratched away. nice sweet tender things from strangers that make the world a better place. THANK YOU. you just made my heart warm.