fighting the war against blowing it

alicia me zoe and boater. we used to shred so hard.

im sitting here alone in my empty apartment, the movers just left. i dont know why im so emotional about this move to la. besides the fact that im bicoastal anyway and paying for an apt here is no longer in my budget, im just not happy in new york anymore. regaurdless of all the horrible life shit ive gone through here, no matter how mad/sad i was i used to walk down the streets with a smile on my face because i was just so happy. to be honest when i got to ny over a week ago i was hoping that feeling would come back and i would find it in me to stay…but it didn’t. im angry and depressed here for some reason. i need to grow up and be with my family and start my career. i thought i was going to be here for so long, but after spending the amount of time i have in la the last 6 months, ive realized my family is more important than me trying to be cool. and while  leaving this social scene is something im very happy about, leaving this apartment is literally making me sick. i laughed and cried the hardest i ever have in this space. i fell in love and got my heart broken. i made horrible mistakes and great decisions. i parited really hard and i learned how to grow up and take responsiblilty. i skipped class and did shitty work and then and i produced the best work i ever have. alicia taught me how to take photos in this apt. we learned what it meant to be happy and we experienced a death. it was in this place that i learned who i want to be, and now its a matter of me becoming that person. perhaps ill move back one day, and new york will be a whole different city for me, but for now i need to attend arrobio sunday dinners, go on hikes with my friends and work my ass off. call me a pussy, a hipster, or say i didnt make it here because thats not the case…and unless your one of my friends i could give a shit what u think about me…your still spending your time reading about my life.  too many people are dying for me to continue living my life anywhere other than a place that fulfills my soul. although ill miss it, ill always have new york, because i dont think it will be going anywhere for a while.

to all my friends and to all my enemies, thank you. for the first time in my life im happy about who i am…and its because of all the lessons you taught me.